Whose time is it?

Now at thirty I’m convinced that all PKs or even MKs should have access to free Therapy. And mandatory for some. I was thinking a while ago, after a mini emotional break down, that our lives were quite disrupted in during childhood. In a congregation of minimum 50 members life is bound to sneak up on many. Dad can’t come to your play because a members son is in the hospital, your mom can’t tuck you in tonight because she’s consoling a members family tonight.

This wasn’t every day but it did seem to happen when a vacation was planned or some family event was about to take place. Their life events are more important than your spelling bee was our lesson to learn.

Oddly enough I didn’t notice once I started leading in college ministry that I too said no or I can’t make it to many family events. At first it’s understandable and maybe even a little bit proud. Following in the family line of ministry. After a while though things change. They started asking when I was available months out just to have dinner together. Or drop lines like “We don’t ever see you anymore” were more to the point, and rightly so.

When you say Yes to something or someone you are saying No to something or someone else. This is why I believe many marriages and families crumble in ministry, wives as well as husbands begin to feel lonely; and worse their feelings are valid. Anytime Jesus said no or yes, it was whole; there’s no grey area. The woman he encountered at the well, his time was important, who he spent it with was important as well. The words and moments exchanged were theirs, she maybe for the first time felt important. It’s something to remember when you hear yourself say “No, I’m sorry I’m too busy”, whose time are you saying yes to?

I’m a seed

I’ve been planted, dug up, replanted. I’ve fought the soil because I found myself forgotten, lonely and vulnerable in a dark foreign place. The packing around made me claustrophobic, I was frightened for no reason since seeds have its own food supply or sustainability. I was buried to be protected, unaware of the storms that passed over me, water was sent my way not to drown me but for my growth.

I had no idea I had all I ever needed where I was at. Wasn’t aware the soil gave me my nutrients to continue to grow. I panicked when I no longer looked the same, didn’t realize my shell was made to shed itself to grow into a harvest.

The farmer was peacefully back in his home, probably eating a meal from his garden. He must have a love for farm-to-table dining. I preferred the moments I could see him, when he held me in his worn but strong hand. I don’t know when I’ll get to see his face again. I hope it’s soon. I hope he will still recognize me. For now I’ll let go of the anxiety and fear, he’ll come back. I know he’ll come back.


Vulnerability? Who Dat?

Was my response to my best friend attempting to reason with me using her wisdom. Everyone knows Vulnerability = weakness. And weak I ain’t. Stubborn yes. Been know to have a emotional breakdown yes. Vulnerable people get hurt, and that’s too familiar.

I had a hard enough time getting over my childhood trauma, then once I got thru that I made fresh new mistakes all on my own. But don’t we all.

Then it’s time to get hurt by others, and hurt other friends in the process. It’s a real battle field, memories are all around like land mines. And I never wanted to be in the war to begin with.

What happened to my peace and freedom after counseling or more releasing of all the bad emotions I’ve hoarded all these years. Hmm, well, that was fun for a minute…. whoa, wait a sec. I guess I have to be working at this all the time. I miss coworkers asking me about my joy, or what’s with this light I have around me all the time.

Jesus is the same. Is it me who has changed? During this moment of panic I realized I fear Embarrassment over Failure. I could lose my job tomorrow, or fail a class I’ve worked hard on and it not effect me the way someone laughs at me. I see that as I have less value. I’m not good enough to be your friend or even be around you.

I watched Brene’ Brown on a TED Talk on YouTube, The Power of Vulnerability . It blew me way. With out it, vulnerability, true faith doesn’t exist; it just can’t. And it doesn’t equal Weakness. Brene’ hit a sore spot when she mentioned “we don’t get excited about something so we are not disappointed when that thing doesn’t happen” and I’m paraphraseing here. I started doing that around 9 or 10 maybe younger, if my birth mom made a bribe with me about something I wanted I stopped getting excited so there’d be a possibility of it happening.

**exhale** still got a
Lot of work to do… I’m ready… lets go..

Forever Broken

The seed breaks to gives us the wheat. The soil breaks to give us the crop, The sky breaks to give us the rain, The wheat breaks to give us the bread. And the bread breaks to give us the feast. There was once even an alabaster jar that broke to give Him all the glory…. Never be afraid of being a broken thing. -Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way

This is what dear friends told me they were reading and suggested to me. After a season of darkness and brokenness I’ve felt like it may be coming around again; for round 3. It’s getting old, having to relive and remember old wounds or bad emotions/memories and release it to Jesus. It’s making me feel more useless and immature. How is it that years ago I felt more in charge and a decent christian than now. Have I really undone that much growth in 2 years?

I haven’t read this book yet, but I’ve heard great things of her other books. I did get a chance to read a chapter and was a bit confused to her writing style. However I have a feeling it should help me.

Ever watch the movie “The Prestige”? SPOILER ALERT
Toward the end of the movie it is revealed that Robert Angier cloned himself and immediately killed himself in order to keep up his trick and popularity going. In the end his mentor Cutter tells him dying is hell, and only told him otherwise to comfort him while grieving his girlfriend who died while performing a magic trick. The camera pans to all the times he died, realizing how difficult this process is. (Its a great movie and way better than I can describe it)

In the bible, I think Paul writes it the most “to live is Christ and to die is gain”, or in Mark “who ever loses their life for my sake will save it.” -Jesus

Dying isn’t easy in any sense, ending addictions, giving up anything isn’t easy. Time, money, you name it its rough. I think its written so many times in the bible because it must be done continuously, our human nature is to default to what is easiest. Jesus taught about money the most beside heaven and hell because he knows what make people tick, or how passionately glued we are to our money.

Dying or being broken for Christ sake will never be easy. Maybe when we start to appear or become like our old self it’s time to be broken again. Yet new, closer to Holiness or pure each time it happens.

To Ban or to Band together

Ever since I heard about the Immigration Ban our President has put into place Ive been undecided, uninformed and conflicted. As a follower of Christ I cannot deny what Jesus said in Matthew 25:35-46

Matthew 5:3-12 Kept popping up in my mind like pop-up ad all day. Where Jesus is teaching on the mountainside and the disciples come up to him. The two verse that come to mind are the ones that say “for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven”

God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
God blesses those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,[b]
for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
“God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers. 12 Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way.

American christianity is nothing compared to the other countries of our world, where you are killed and/or beaten for believing in Christ. Here in America you will be ostracized from social media, family or your workplace.

Missionaries are the real deal that go out and submerse themselves in other cultures and teach brothers and sisters about the goodness, mercy and salvation of Christ, It breaks my heart knowing that they too are in great danger all the time. Yet!!! The Kingdom of Heaven is theirs, Stephen while he was beaten got to see Jesus standing at the right hand of God, I hope to one day be so relentless obeying God to not care what the terrorist, and yes thats who was beating him, do to me. That is pure and holy, it was enough for Jesus to stand for stephen as he came into his presence that day.

The other side of me is filled not with fear, but honor and willingness to defend my country. A country that let’s face it, invaded my peoples land. Navajo and sioux people, and many other tribes of Native Americans. Many(people and tribes) died for simply  attempting to live on their own land and take care of their own.

It will never be wrong to stand and protect a land that was given to you. I want to protect and keep the Pipeline out of the Dakotas, I have land there, those are my people that I want to protect and keep safe. I want America to know and fight to keep her and her people safe. And yes, I understand I cannot control what happens anymore than you can. Nor can our President.

But if we can Band Together maybe we will hear the voice of our Father in Heaven and will not be afraid, and obey his words we will be one.

When the World isn’t enough

Change is coming, I can feel it. So many thoughts and memories of last year now two years ago popped in my head today. All the visions and visuals God showed me of myself to help me understand. A guide, a storybook, just for me. Tears ran down my face again to know that He loved me at my worst. Showed me when I didn’t understand. Held my hand when I walked alone and away from community and thought my world that I once knew was gone.

That’s a Father, Faithful. I can’t count how many times I was a brat and replied to my human dad in such a hateful tone. Wishing now I never had, or could take them all back. I was a child, in a mood. It just happens. Never once, I pray, he questioned my love for him. I pray God never questions my love for him, even when I swat his hand away.

He is there, when I am devastated. I just have to remember to open the door. And let him sit with me, in all the mess thats scattered around me. Our world will never be satisfied with us; and we will never be satisfied with the world. Jesus will always be enough.