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Change is coming, I can feel it. So many thoughts and memories of last year now two years ago popped in my head today. All the visions and visuals God showed me of myself to help me understand. A guide, a storybook, just for me. Tears ran down my face again to know that He loved me at my worst. Showed me when I didn’t understand. Held my hand when I walked alone and away from community and thought my world that I once knew was gone.
That’s a Father, Faithful. I can’t count how many times I was a brat and replied to my human dad in such a hateful tone. Wishing now I never had, or could take them all back. I was a child, in a mood. It just happens. Never once, I pray, he questioned my love for him. I pray God never questions my love for him, even when I swat his hand away.
He is there, when I am devastated. I just have to remember to open the door. And let him sit with me, in all the mess thats scattered around me. Our world will never be satisfied with us; and we will never be satisfied with the world. Jesus will always be enough.
So sorry for not keeping this up, December was a blur, a blur of sickness. Not even midway through the month I got sick with a double ear infection. The medicine I received was double the dose I have gotten before, so the side effects hit me extra hard. The insomnia, nausea and stomach issues decided to make their presence known and not leave till the new year.
After the New Year My Family and I had an opportunity to go to Orlando for a mini vacation. The last night there it started, diarrhea, throwing up, chills, aching etc. Knocked down again by my weak immune system.
Thank the Lord we made it back home, long car rides ain’t my thing to begin with much less being sick on top of that. This certain day the south was predicted to get snow, instead we got freezing rain.
I have a Dr. appt. today, still unsure whether I should go or not. I’m definitely in recovery mode. Just don’t want to get anyone else sick just in case.
I will give him the key to the house of David—the highest position in the royal court. When he opens doors, no one will be able to close them; when he closes doors, no one will be able to open them. Isaiah 22:22
Im not sure but Im starting to get the feeling that It took 29 years to get over and heal from Mother Issues for a reason, as if to be given my voice back for others.
Not just as a Daughter but for Adopted Kids, Foster Kids, Adoptive Parents, and Foster Parents. For People of the Sioux and Navajo Nation, a People I wasn’t ready to communicate with because it brought back too much emotional hurt and pain. Those emotions no longer exist and cannot be found.
Ive started writing a book, what about? why? Me, from the very beginning, till now. Not because I feel Im so important but to help awareness of Adoption/Foster care, Parents that are not equip to parent, the emotional toll it makes on a child and most vital what the God above can guide and provide when two people have nothing to offer but Love and Faith in Him.
What could come from this? I could do something, more, other than Pray for the Sioux People, provide in some way. I could be Given the Key, to set Captives free. Free from the horribleness that many go thru when you have a rough childhood, Counseling is okay, Its Ok to be not Ok. Its something I feel I can’t accomplish by myself; But I can as long as Jesus is by my side.
“You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.”
This verse had been following me for a couple weeks now, which Ive had a strong dislike to it, I like being in the know, and Knowing what is to be expected, in daily life, pretty much everything.
As you all know last year certainly wasn’t going to be filed in my greatest hits album. I felt so alone, and wanted to understand more than anything the why I was going through what I was, the Rejection, Hurt, Confusion, Anxiety, Depression. None of it made sense to me.
I went to Counseling, was open, talked about everything that was an issue, and it did help immensely, but would only continue to heal as time went on, in the last couple months God has showed me memories I had to remind me he was answering what I would pray for. He allowed even more healing to happen with my Mother issue/wound in order to open another door to see and reconnect with my sister. More things from last year are becoming more clear, I was doing the correct thing in the decisions I was making, I was being Obedient.
My someday has come. Grace and compassion has poured into my heart to make peace with so anythings. And they couldn’t have existed with out Jesus in my life.
“Deep breath in, and out”
I had to tell myself while walking thru the unfamiliar airport terminal, I couldn’t actually believe I had made it, the easiest Non-revenue flight I had been on in awhile, after staying with my best friend and had some over due Best-friend time I was undecided on leaving her, I wanted to stay but I knew myself better. If I don’t go now I may never go.
Nervousness still isn’t the right emotion I was feeling, still I couldn’t place my finger on it either. Anxious maybe? Unsure how this visit/weekend would go. No matter if it went great or horrible I still had peeps near me to bail to and stuff to do.
Our first meeting since the mid nineties, since our mom had died, since we played barbies for the last time. She picked me up and she looks so much like mom, even same laugh. Ironically, Im positive she was thinking the same of me.
She confessed she didn’t know what to say, and was nervous, maybe that is what I had been feeling. Who knows. We picked up her Dad, my former step-dad, it was good to see him, and I finally had the opportunity to say Thank You, for everything.
To Be Continued
“Clear your Desks” “Neatness counts” “Eyes on your own paper”
All these phrases still give me a little anxiety, and I’m sure like myself, you heard them at some point during you academic career. I was never a great test taker, during study sessions I had to give it my all, listening, taking notes, writing it down again, and still not 100% retain the info. School definitely had its ups and downs.
Clear Your Desks
I wish I had listened and realized ten years ago that the common phrases in test taking can be used for Life seasons and tests as well. Clear your desks basically mean get rid of all distractions so you can focus; Today, for me at least, means Social Media. While we all know it can sometimes be helpful, it can also be a great time waster.
As does spelling and punctuation! Our words and attitudes greatly affect our relationships and work environments. Many times I wish my coworkers were more positive or at the very least less negative, but It has to begin somewhere. So why not start with ourselves?
Eyes on your own Paper
This one I finally figured out before my 30th and is so freeing. Stop watching others lives and being envious and live your own! Seriously. Stop it. Ive watched in envy of others exchange vows, have babies, receive job promotions or become home owners. Once I noticed my paper is partially blank I began getting excited, I also immediately flew to London (bucket list item checked off) and not one regret since.